


Party Pants

by Awesome_stuff



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alcohol, Assassin - Freeform, Assassination, Comedy, Drugs, Drunk Driving, Drunk Kissing, Illumi, M/M, Murder, Party, drunk, hisoka - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 00:26:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4200888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awesome_stuff/pseuds/Awesome_stuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>after drinking and being drugged, Illumi and Hisoka must retrieve confidential files and take down a drug dealer and try to sober up. (The dark comedy may or may not be offensive to some readers.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was the usual evening, small clouds slowly covering the grey sky, small streets being crowded by people beginning to go home. Illumi was tired, even though he hadn't had a job in a while, he was tired of the skinny woman sitting across the diner table, staring at him seductively. His face was becoming irritated from keeping it changed for too long. His mission was to kill this woman and steal some files from her apartment but she never gave him a chance to move, the man was starting to consider just killing her in public and get it over with but he couldn't risk it.   
"Taro..?"  
"yes?" Illumi looks up across the table.  
"you look bored, shall we go to my place" as soon as she said that, Illumi held in the urge to yell out 'FINALLY!'  
"sure I don't see why not." He smiles politely.

The apartment building was small but new. Newer buildings tend to have thinner walls so Illumi noted that he should avoid any kind of struggle. However as the two reached the third floor, they stopped. "Taro is something wrong?" the woman looked back at her date who stopped walking, he had felt a presence on the floor.  
"oh it's nothing." the man continues walking.  
The woman unlocks the door and the two walk in to be greeted by an unexpected guest. "son of a bitch" Illumi mutters under his breath at the sight of a tall redhead sitting on the couch.  
"hi Illumi~ I got bored so I thought I'd surprise you." The magician smiles.  
"Taro, who is this man and how does he know you?" The woman turns to her date.  
"Oh it's 'Taro' I see. Well tell me 'Taro' what's a six letter word for a nuisance?" Hisoka holds up a cross-word puzzle that he'd been working on.  
"I'm looking at one." Illumi murmurs.  
"Taro!" Illumi's date grabs him by the arm "tell me what's going on!?" She is then pushed away softly.  
"I'll explain later." he says while closing the door behind him, never breaking eye contact with Hisoka.   
"NO! I want an explanation now and get this man out of my apartme-" The woman is cut off by a card flying into the back of her head. she fall down next to Illumi who begins to remove the pins from his ears and from under his hair.  
"ah, I like that face better." Hisoka smiles  
"Well at least I'm still getting paid for this." The long, black haired man sighs. "Thanks for killing her, she was really annoying." he removes the card from her head.  
"May I ask why you're being paid to kill a weak woman"  
Illumi walks over to the kitchen to search the fridge. "Apparently she was involved in drug dealing of some new and rare drug, but that's all I know." He takes out a plate of brownies and cookies.  
"ooh~ those look good." Hisoka signals that he wants one. The plate is put on the coffee table and the two men take a small amount of sweets. "What are you looking for?" The magician notices his wandering friend.  
"I'm supposed to retrieve some files for my client, they're supposed to be somewhere in her apartment." Illumi replies with a mouthful of cookie.   
"....Oh I found it." A voice eventually comes from the bedroom. "This was well hidden under a fake bottom in her drawer thingies." Illumi sit down across from Hisoka and grabs a brownie.  
"Are you going to look at them?" Hisoka asks.  
"yeah, but just a peek." The assassin opens up the beige file to pull out a loose sheet of paper.  
"so what is it?"  
".....A recipe for 'party pants' I guess that's the drug this woman was selling." Illumi begins to read off the paper. "party pants, the new fun drug to keep the party going. It's a tasteless liquid.......oh"  
"What's wrong?" Hisoka leans over to Illumi's worried face.  
"It says here that this woman made a test batch of brownies packed with this drug."  
The two men freeze in place and stare at each other, dread filling their eyes as they slowly look down at the plate of sweets they had been eating for the past five minutes.  
"uh oh"


	2. Chapter 2

"Calm down, calm down..." Illumi breaths to himself.  
"Why are you worrying? I thought drugs didn't affect you." Hisoka states.  
"That's only for known drugs, this one is new so my immune system is outdated." He grabs the sheet of paper and looks for the drugs' effects. "It's supposed to take effect within five to ten minutes of consumption. Effects include: attention deprivation, large amounts of adrenaline, mood swings, dizziness and impulse."  
"Well it IS called 'party pants' so those effects are to be expected" Hisoka walks over to look over Illumi's shoulder.  
"So what should we do?" Hisoka looks at Illumi in surprise. "What?"  
"You never ask me for my opinion." He smiles. "Well any ways I know what I'm going to do." The assassin looks at him with a curious look on his face. "oooh~ I like that face." Illumi's expression went from curious to disgusted when he felt hisoka's hand on his chest.  
"No." He says immediately and steps away.  
"I hope that drug makes you a little more impulsive." Hisoka grins. "Well that wasn't exactly what I wanted, what I wanted was this." He says as he reveals a bottle from no where. "I found in one of the cabinets, It's rare whisky from Ca***a."  
"How will Ca***ian booze help our situation?"  
"It won't, I just want to try it."  
Illumi shoots the magician an irritated look then rolls his eyes. "I'll have a bit."  
"oh~ how impulsive of you." Hisoka laughs as he gets them glasses from a cupboard. "I hope you keep this attitude up when the drugs kick in."  
"hm, that's strange." Illumi looks at the clock above him.  
"What is it?"  
"It's been fifteen minutes since we ate those sweets and I don't feel any different."  
"Oh it's true, maybe we misread the shee-" Just then Hisoka stopped, his pupils shrunk to tiny dots. "Illumi... do you feel that?" He looks over to Illumi who looks just as affected. The two men begin looking around the room, wide-eyed they stagger around only to meet up in the center of the room, face to face.  
"Hisoka...." The shocked assassin whispers. "I feel so weird."  
"Me too" the magician breath a bit then slaps himself so hard in the face he falls to the ground.  
"Why the hell did you do that!?" Illumi asks. Hisoka helps himself up, he's out of breath.  
"I don't know but it felt great!" He laughs. Illumi begins to join his friend in the uncontrollable laughter. "Illumi my friend I feel so good!"  
"YES! I feel great too! We should rob a liquor store!" The long haired man jumps on the coffee table. "Then we should break into a zoo! oooh I wanna ride a rhino!"  
"Illumi!" Hisoka stops him. "we should complete your mission, get paid.... then have sex!"  
"YES we should!"  
"really?"  
"no!" the drugged assassin jumps down from the table and grabs the files. "Hisoka, let's get money!"  
"I'd love to!"  
"To the Zoldyck-mobile!"  
They run out of the room, over the dead body they forgot to clean up and out into the streets. They run around, getting honks from blocked cars. People had just called the police when the escaped into a narrow alley way. When they reach the end of the alley, Illumi jumps up to the side of the apartment building blocking their way. "Illumi!" Hisoka eventually calls out.  
"What!?"  
"What were we just doing?" He asks.  
Illumi just stares for a while before his clouded mind begins to consider the answer. "Oh... I think we were going to get money." They ponder on the thought for about two seconds. "Ah yes, we were going to give these files to my client." He says while waving an envelope in front of his face.  
"Mm I remember, that sheet had information about 'party pants'" Hisoka states. Just then, Illumi falls to the ground laughing. "What's so funny." The magician giggles.  
"What kind of stupid f**king name is 'party pants'" Illumi stares up at the sky with a huge smile on his face. Just then Hisoka leans down and places his lips on the others. Illumi's eyes widen for a mere second before he gives in, pulling the magician into him. Hisoka bites at his bottom lip, asking for permission to slip in some tongue. Soon enough, their bodies are completely together. Tongues were brushing against each other, hips grinding making the two men groan. They were just about to remove their pants when. "It's gone." Illumi pushes the eager man off of him.  
"What's gone?" He asks with a disappointed look on his face.  
"The file... it's gone." Illumi puts his hand in the envelope. "We left the sheet at the apartment." The envelope had been sandwiched in between the two.  
"Why were you putting your hand there?" Hisoka asks.  
"I was about to give you a handy." Just then the biggest feeling of disappointment came over the ready magician.  
"That damn file."  
"We have to go back." Illumi lifts himself up.  
"And why should I follow you?" Hisoka asks with his arms crossed.  
The assassin thinks for a while. "Because if you come with me then I will let you f**k me 'till I won't be able to walk for a week."  
Hisoka's eyes widen. "Challenge accepted!" He gets up on his feet.  
"so here's the plan. retrieve the file, get money, then go fishing"  
"Fishing?"  
"Oh, did I not bring that up? Well then the plan is retrieve the file, get money, then..."  
"Oh then I'll f**k you 'till you won't be able to sh*t for a week!"  
"I don't think I said 'sh*t' but whatever, that's our new plan!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I censor my curse words, I guess I want to keep this story of drugs and sex family friendly


	3. Chapter 3

"Shit." The assassin and magician stop at the corner of the street to reveal that the police had been called about the suspicious men seen walking into a resident's apartment. Police were taping off the building while the other residents evacuated the building. They were also searching the buildings near by, some people had to leave the homeless shelter across from the apartments. Illumi sighs. "So like, do you think we can sneak in there?"  
"of course we can, you do this all the time." Hisoka pats his friend on the shoulder.  
"Yeah but that's when I'm sober, right now I feel happy for no reason and I think I'm developing a fear of fire hydrants."  
But Hisoka wasn't really listening, he softly hugs Illumi from behind, places kisses on the back of his neck. "The hell are you doing."  
"You said if I came with you I'd get to fu-"  
"First of all, you only have permission once my mission is complete and second, even if I would allow you to do it in this phase of the mission, why would I let you handicap me with your dick in front of ass-loads of police and what appears to be a homeless shelter for women and children."  
Hisoka looks up like he's thinking long and hard about that question. "If we did it in public then it would be a lot hotter.....somehow."  
"You're sick."  
"You're worse, you once killed a forty-minute year old." The magician shoots back at him.  
"Yes I did..... it was fun." Illumi says with confidence.  
Hisoka sighs and releases Illumi from his arms. "So do you have a plan?"  
"No but these drugs are making me feel really good and confident so I say that we force our way through, get the sheet-"  
"Then have sex...?"  
"....Yeah sure, but not in front of the homeless kids."  
The two men slowly begin to walk towards the building. "Oh my god." Illumi says.  
"What is it?"  
"We probably look totally badass right now, all that's missing from this is a song from 'kill bill'"  
Hisoka stares at Illumi in confusion and it took a while for him to figure what he just said. Eventually the assassin looks over to his friend. "It's a movie."  
"oh... well we don't have music but..." The magician runs off and a minute or two later he came back with sunglasses. "This I know for a fact, will make us look badass."  
Illumi looks like he's on the brink of tears. "YES! this will look so badass." The two put on their shades and continue walking towards the building.  
"I'm sorry sir, there's been an accident here, I'm afraid you can't enter." A police officer stops the two.  
"Tell me sir." the long haired one starts. "Do we look awesome?"  
The officer hesitates a bit. "Excuse me..? I don't know howq to respond to that."  
"Wrong answer!" Illumi punches the officer in the face.  
"HEY!" Other officers come running towards them.  
"Oh come on." The two men run through the small crowd of people. They made it through with ease and ran for the buildings entrance. Three tough looking guys were guarding the doors but it was easy to instantly kill them. "That's unfair!" Illumi pouts as they make their way to the third floor.  
"What's unfair?"  
"You got to kill two! I wanted to kill two!"  
Hisoka grins. "Then be faster next time."  
The door is kicked down with fury. Within seconds all the detectives and police officers were killed. Hisoka grabs the whiskey that he left and Illumi searches for the sheet of paper. "Where is the paper, I can't really see anything."  
"Then remove your glasses."  
"But they look so cool."  
The magician removes his eyewear. "It's right there on the coffee table."  
"oh and it's right next to those cookies and brownies..." The two men stare at each other, trying to read what the other one is thinking.  
"Illumi we should-"  
"we should steal the drugs!"  
"oh....well that too, I was going to suggest flying a kite but yeah sure let's steal the drugs."  
As they begin to hear people running up the stairs, the two escape with some booze and thousands of dollars worth In some baked goods.


	4. Chapter 4

It had gotten humid as the sky became darker. Clouds began forming over the moon, showing signs of rain. There was an I**sh pub somewhere in the middle of town where two suspicious men were resting. Both of them had been drinking and were high off their asses. The men weren't exactly inside the pub, they were rather outside, in the back of the building, urinating on the wall.  
"Are you peeping?" Illumi breaks the silence.  
"Hm?" Hisoka turns his head away in guilt but he's smiling. "What are you talking about?"  
Illumi zips up his pants. "You were staring at my dick."  
"I did no such thing!" He lies.  
The assassin sighs and turns to leave. "Where are we?" He stops.  
"I don't know, I think this is either a bathroom or a building, either way I feel better."   
Illumi inspects their surroundings with his clouded eyes. "I think this might be building... I think we should leave."  
"Ah yes we should, where is this client of yours staying?"  
"Some hotel East of here." Illumi staggers to the right.  
"East is that way." Hisoka points in the opposite direction.  
"oh, how can you tell?" At this point in the drug trip, Hisoka and Illumi should start to enter a phase of false nirvana that involves the biggest amounts of balls to trip. So Hisoka was hallucinating small dogs with wings telling him which way to go.  
"I just simply know the way." Hisoka smiles.  
"You know what..." Illumi says as he joins his friend in the phase. "I feel great... I feel happy." They smile at each other and walk slowly together. It took them about twelve minutes to reach a bus stop where the two sat on the outside of the bus because Illumi had given all his money to a pigeon. When the bus made it's third stop, they got off. The hotel they were heading towards was a decent building, quite modern and looked well taken care of, it was a normal hotel. However, due to the drugs Illumi and Hisoka saw it as a temple made of candy.  
"This is beautiful." Hisoka gasps. They walk in to the lobby where they just walked past the main table when the all the people's attention was turned to a man who 'accidentally' got pins all over his face.  
"Do you think the beds are made of marshmallows?" Illumi asks in the elevator.   
"This place is magical." Hisoka smiles in awe. "Hey Illumi."  
"yes?"  
"After we get the money, can we torture and kill the guy?"  
"Oh, that's sounds so fun."  
"We should gouge out his eyes"  
"Mmm, Then rip off his fingernails." The two breath whimsically. The elevator door opens and they walk down the long hall of 'candy'. They reach the room that Illumi surprisingly remembered and knocked on the door. They waited a couple of seconds before knocking again, then again and again.   
"Mr. client?" The assassin calls out. No answer. After waiting a couple of minutes, they just kicked down the door. "Mr. client?" The two look around and see no signs of Illumi's client.  
"I wonder if he left for something." Hisoka says.  
"No, I told him that he had to be here at this time, otherwise I'd kill him." Illumi opens the door to the bathroom. "Oh, I found him."  
"That's a little rude to walk in on someone in the bathroom."  
"Not really, he's dead." There was a dead body face down in the tub, there were cuts all over his body. The amount of blood surrounding his body suggest that he died recently. The drain of the tub was being blocked by a chunk of fat that had been removed from his body.  
"Wow." Hisoka walks in to look over the body. "How tragic, now we won't be able to torture him."  
"And I won't get paid."   
"Well that's a shame." Just then, Illumi's phone starts to ring.  
"Hello?" He answers.  
"I guess you found the body." An unknown body comes from the other side.   
"Yes, I did, good job."  
"What?"  
"I said 'good job' it's messy but I respect that form of killing either way."  
"Ha! You really are a psychopath, I like those, how about we make a deal?"  
"A deal?"  
"Yeah, you still want your money don't you? Well I'll give you twice the amount that your client would've given you if you bring that file to the old fishing port."  
"That sounds nice, it's a deal."  
"Ok, look for a man with a scar when you get there...." They both hang up.  
"What was that about?" Hisoka asks.  
"I made a deal with a man. We can still make money if we bring the file to the old port." Illumi explains. "Oh, I got an idea."  
"What is it?"  
Illumi points to the dead man in the tub. "We could make some extra money by selling his organs on the black market."  
"Oh that is a good idea." They smile and after doing two more shots of whiskey, the two men stuffed the man in his own luggage, put an 'occupied' note on the door for the maids and headed for the port.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be a next chapter coming soon


	5. Chapter 5

The port was huge. It spanned a couple of football fields and at around midnight, it was a ghost town. Trash and pollution peacefully bobbed on the water while it reflected the distant city lights. It was truly a serene place at this time, however, tonight was different. Tonight involved the peaceful port, some big guy with a scar and two drunk idiots trying their best not to fall over as they dizzily walk towards the big man.  
"He said to look for a guy with a scar right?" Illumi leans over to Hisoka as they begin to see a man in the distance.  
"How am I supposed to know, YOU were the one on the phone." He says.  
"Oh..." Illumi squints his eyes. "I think that man has a scar, we should talk to him." As they approach, the figure takes a step forward and puts his hand up, signaling to stop.  
"Are you the assassin?" The man asks in a deep, hoarse voice.  
"Yes I am." The man turns to the magician to his side.  
"Who the hell is this?"  
"This is my assistant." Illumi says.  
The man grins. "Why would a talented assassin need an assistant?"  
The magician and assassin look at each other. "Well he's not talented, he sucks at his job." Hisoka starts.  
"No I don't! I am an awesome assassin!" Illumi snaps.  
"Well clearly you suck if you need an assistant!"  
"Well you're not my assistant!" The two look at the man with the scar.  
"So he's not your assistant." The atmosphere thickens. "Are you lying?" He steps forward with a threatening aura.  
Illumi sighs, acknowledging his mess up. "You're right, I lied." He admits. Hisoka then shoots a glare at his friend that says 'dude, we can't fight in this condition' so the assassin turns to the man ready to kill him and says. "Yes, I lied about him being my assistant......... the truth is he's my bitch."  
"What?" Both the man and Hisoka say in confusion.  
"Yes, he is my bitch that I bring around, his name is......" Illumi pauses awkwardly for a second, obviously thinking of a fake name. "His name is...... anus-orgy..........-chan" Hisoka and the big man stare for a while.  
"Anus-orgy-chan?" The man with the scar says in disbelief.  
"Yes, Anus-chan for short." Illumi says. Of course as an assassin, Illumi is a pro at acting and keeping a straight face, however thanks to the drugs, he and Hisoka actually had to hold back the urge to laugh. The man with the scar walks up to Hisoka until they're face to face.  
"You don't look like a bitch."  
Hisoka's clenching his fist to stop himself from cracking up. "Yes, I'm a bitch." He looks at Illumi, wishing he knew a bit more about improv. "He calls me that because it is my anus that he violates." His voice cracked a bit finishing the sentence but it was good enough for the big man to let them onto the yacht behind him. They enter an empty room, alone at the base of the boat.  
"Anus-orgy-chan?" Hisoka asks.  
"I don't know I panicked." Illumi scratches his head.  
"That is the most hilarious bitch name I have ever heard." He snickers.  
"Shut up bitch." Just then, the two men heard movement coming from above. A man began to walk down the narrow stairs of the yacht and down the base where the assassin and his 'bitch' were waiting.  
"Hello." The man says. His face his hidden by the shadows.  
"I have the files you asked for." Illumi holds up the folder.  
The mystery man smiles. "Illumi, I guess you don't remember me."  
The assassin tilts his head. "Do I know you?"  
"Yes you do." The man steps out of the shodows and into the light, revealing his face. Illumi's eyes widen.  
"son of a-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a little short.


	6. Chapter 6

"-bitch!" Illumi's eyes widen at the sight of an old foe. A man wearing blue jeans and a red and white striped sweater walks toward Illumi. He has brown hair and wears circular glasses with a red and white hat on his head. "Waldo." Illumi says in disgust.  
"Yes, it's me my old friend, have you been wondering where I have been?" Waldo asks.  
"No, if I wanted to, I could find you whenever I wanted to."  
Hisoka nudges his friend on the arm. "That's Waldo the famous assassin right?"  
"yes it is. That bastard always tries to sabotage my jobs."  
"I'm gonna be honest Illumi, Waldo IS pretty hard to find."  
"Oh shut up."  
Waldo smiles. "Now enough with the catching up, let's talk business." He extends his arm. "The file please."  
Illumi hesitates. "Why are involved with drug trafficking all of a sudden?"  
The man with the striped shirt laughs. "How naïve of you, my dear assassin friend I-" He pauses for dramatic effect. "I was always a drug trafficker!"  
"Ok." Illumi shrugs and hands over the folder.  
"Ok? That's your reaction?" Waldo asks.  
"Yeah, I mean it's a surprise that you've been involved with drugs for so long but it in no way affects this job or my life so I honestly don't care beyond this point." The assassin says bluntly. "So can I have my money now?"  
Waldo sighs and hands over a silver suitcase holding an ass-ton of money. The assassin and his 'bitch' inspect the money while the man with the striped shirt inspects the sheet of paper.  
"Tell me." Illumi starts. "Why'd you kill my client?"  
"That's a stupid question, for the drugs."  
"Yes but if you knew who my client was then why couldn't you have just killed him after he paid me. You could've gotten the sheet and avoided wasting money on me."  
"Are you sobering up?" Hisoka looks at Illumi in concern.  
"Yeah I think so, I don't really like it, do you still have the whisky?"  
"No, sorry we finished that a while ago."  
"Damn, oh we still have brownies." Illumi states. Hisoka nods and takes out a plastic bag they had dumped the sweets in.  
"What is that?" Waldo spots the bag.  
"Nothing." The two hide the bag.  
The man in the striped shirt snickers a little. "My my. Those wouldn't happen to be the secret test batch of party pants now would it?"  
"No." The two guiltily laugh. "Us? With drugs? Get your head out of your ass, that's just stupid."  
Waldo extends his arm towards the liars. "Give them to me."  
"No." Illumi says immediately. "I know these sweets look delicious, but they're like......." He looks over at Hisoka, trying to write a fake story in his mind. "These cookies and brownies actually tastes like sh*t."  
"Yeah they do, they taste like complete and utter whale crap." Hisoka plays along.  
"I'm not concerned about the taste." Waldo insists.  
"No you don't understand." Illumi continues. "These thing taste like an old cat with herpes."  
"If dead rotting, homeless, smelly babies with AIDS had a flavour then you would get these cookies." The assassin's 'bitch' agrees.  
Then, Waldo's aura got stronger and deadlier. "Gentlemen, I will argue no more than this, give me the bag."  
The two men shutter, while under the influence they were at a disadvantage, but they were also under the influence which made them really stupid. "RUN!" Illumi and Hisoka jump out of the boat window and onto the port.  
"After them!" Waldo orders the man with the scar who had been waiting outside. The two ran as fast as they could toward the city, but a common side effect of party pants is over confidence and they were caught within thirty second of the chase. They were thrown to the ground, guns to their heads.  
"I don't think that was a good idea." Illumi says.  
"No sh*t." Hisoka sighs.  
"Now may I have the bag?" Waldo snatches the bag from Illumi's hands. "Now you go to sleep." after a good hit to their heads, the two are out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will probably be the final!


	7. Chapter 7

It was about eight in the morning. The street were started to be filled by people going to work. Birds had started to come out, they were chirping while horns were honking. It was a new sunny day with almost no clouds and beautiful fresh air. People were laughing, smiling, greeting all with joy. One man who worked at a J***nese restaurant was getting ready for work. He got up nice and early, he took a shower, got dressed and headed to his restaurant. He walked in through the front door and smiled at the other waiters and bus boys who had arrived before him. Customers had begun to enter the restaurant for breakfast. The kitchen had begun to smell amazing, drawing in more customers. It was a good day for business already and the man couldn't have been happier. Then, when they were full, the man would take the garbage bags out to the back of the building where he would find an unusual sight. Two middle aged men wearing ripped and dirtied clothes, passed out in the dumpster. One of the men had long black, tangled hair, he was cuddling up to a redhead with smeared makeup. Both of them looked pretty beat up. The man who worked at the restaurant didn't want his good day to be ruined by some drunks so he simply just threw the garbage on them and got back to his job. Such a professional.  
"Nnng..." Illumi wipes his eyes. "Where the hell...." He mumbles, trying to sit up.  
"Oh are you up?" Hisoka murmurs, eyes still shut. The two were confused. They both had massive headaches and could barely remember the previous night.  
"Were we drinking.... and why are we covered in J***nese food?" The hungover assassin wipes some garbage off of himself.  
"I think we were drinking.... and maybe doing drugs." Hisoka replies.  
Illumi frustratingly sighs. "Oh god, if my dad smells drugs off of me...."  
"Calm down, he's probably just going to smell the sushi stuck to your back." The magician points out.  
"So..." Illumi rubs his temples. "Do you remember anything from last night?"  
Hisoka thinks for a while. "I don't know, I think you were... uh.... working or something then we went fishing or something...."  
"Fishing?"  
"I don't know my memory's pretty hazy." He shrugs.  
"I think I saw kill bill...." Illumi says.  
"Saw what?"  
"It's a movie."  
"oh." Hisoka opens tries to adjust his eyes to the hurtful sunlight.  
"Why are we in a dumpster." Illumi looks at the mess they're sitting in.  
"We must've had quite the night." Hisoka grins.  
"Well I'm going home... let's just pretend this never happened." The two agree and begin the embarrassing walk of shame.

Three months later.

Illumi's face was hurting. He had been in disguise for too long. He was growing impatient, the woman he had been ordered to kill was right next to him, walking, talking, talking and just kept talking. 'Holy sh*t, this girl will not shut up.' Illumi thought to himself. She had been talking since the beginning of the 'date' and hadn't closed her mouth since. Illumi had to check every once in a while to make sure his ears weren't bleeding. 'Holy crap, I have the sudden urge to rip this woman's tongue out.' The assassin resists the feeling to kill someone in public.  
"So Reed." The woman grabs Illumi's arm. "What's your favourite colour, mine is red, people say it's the colour of passion and I never understood that, how can a colour represent something I mean it's just a colour, people say green is the colour for envy and I feel bad for anyone who has green eyes because people are going to be all like 'your eyes are envious' you see my old roommate had green eyes and he really likes-"  
'My god, she just doesn't stop. I don't even think she stops to breathe.' Illumi begins to speed walk, wanting to shut this woman up so badly.  
"- But my roommate preferred the other boots so the cashier just kicked him out so later he complained- ooh that reminds me of this movie I saw-"  
"I want to go to your place!" Illumi eagerly interrupts her.  
"What?"  
"Let's go to your place where you can talk all you want please." The assassin's practically begging.  
"Oh ok, you could've said so earlier." She smiles.  
Illumi sighs in relief. 'man I can't wait to kill her.'

"Here we are." The woman takes out her keys to the apartment door. She opens the door where.  
"Son of a bitch."  
"Illumi YOU son of a bitch." Hisoka gets up from the woman's couch.  
"Reed, who is this man?" The woman faces her date but before she gets any answer, Illumi snaps her neck.  
"Holy sh*t, I wanted to do that all night." The assassin subtly smiles.  
"You liar!" Hisoka points his finger.  
"I'm sorry, what did I lie about?"  
"I got my memory back. Three months ago, you promised me sex!"  
"What?"  
Hisoka smiles. "Don't pretend you don't remember, I know that you know!"  
Illumi sighs. "So what if I remember, I was drunk so it doesn't count."  
"Oh it counts." Hisoka takes off his pants. "You have to fulfill your promise."  
The assassin stares at the magician in disbelief. "You know, every picture of you should be a stranger danger poster."  
Hisoka laughs as approaches Illumi. His hand finds its way around his waist as they start kissing.  
"Hosoka....." Illumi whispers. "Hisoka!" He then says louder.  
"What?"  
"What did we do to my old client's body? I mean, we found him dead in a hotel room tub, we cut him up and put him in some bags but.... did we ever do anything after that?"  
"Oh don't worry, I found his body and fed him to under privileged children." Hisoka smiles.  
"Oh that's twisted." Illumi pushes him away. "Even for me that's pretty sick."  
"Oh come on, it's not that bad.... I served some vegetables on the side so the meal was healthy." He shrugs.  
"Hisoka, that story is giving me a de-erection."  
"Then why'd you ask about the body?"  
"I was curious! But now I'm now disgusted, I'm assuming that you did that just to get near some little boy." Illumi says.  
"Oh I'm not THAT sick." Hisoka nervously laughs.  
"Yes Hisoka... you ARE that sick and nothing you say will change that."  
The room falls silent for a while until Hisoka eventually speaks up. "Hey, Illumi."  
"What?"  
"I know that your mad because I'm a freak... and that I got you drunk... and how you lost your money...... and how I fed a human being to children but...."  
"But what?"  
"Are we still going to have sex?"  
Illumi stares at the magician with a face of disgust and disbelief.......... but he WAS pretty upset about losing his money. "Eh sure why not."  
And that's the story of how Illumi and Hisoka got drunk, Sobered up, killed another woman and eventually fed her body homeless women and children, giving them multiple illnesses in the process...... Such professionals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing my first fan fic, it was so much fun!


End file.
